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Why yes, I am listening to Madonna in case you thought that was a HEROES reference. And even then, it probably still is. Updating's becoming a BITCH. It's so hard to keep up with this when I have my music site going on. We're still trying to get it up off the ground, but we're happy with it so far.

verminandjetlag.webs.com

Rachael and I are the proud owners of that site and the future proud owners of a baby English bulldog. I can't wait to go to Gainesville. Life will rule so hard.

So, a few months ago I got tested for diabetes and it turned out negative. I'd been trying diets and stuff before hand and nothing had worked. So I decided that I wasn't going to wait for diabetes to come and kick my ass. I decided I was going to kick it's ass before it go to me. So every day for the past few weeks I've been walking outside and eating  healthy and drinking a shit ton of water. I'm glad to say that I've dropped near seven pounds and I'm down a size. 

Since this journal was just to keep up with my insomnia and share that with the world and now my insomnia is cured, I'll just make this about all the positive things that have been going on in my life. I'm really, truly happy for the first time in a long time.

Seventeen in a month and a week baby.

Wow, it's been crazy lately. I've been thinking a lot more. Sleeping a lot more. And working a lot more. I finally got my name legally changed so I can finally get my learner's permit and driver's license. My insomnia is getting better. It's practically non-existent now. I think it had a lot to do with my stress levels. They were really high back when I couldn't sleep all the time and now they're just fine.

I'm still attached to the song "Konstantine" though. It's most likely one of the most important songs in my life. Andrew McMahon's voice makes me melt. I really want a piano setup like he had back in the Something Corporate days. I wish they were still together and performing. It hurts my heart to know that my favorite band is broken up. And I missed out on all the magic.

Anyways, I'll try to update more. I'm not promising anything though.

Hey hey, it's been a while. I've been busy. I can't really update now. But I will soon. Very soon.

Sugar's going goodnight.
<33

Who's seeing Twilight on Friday? I'm not. I want to though, but the theatre is going to be a clusterfuck! So I'll be home hanging out why everyone else is seeing that dang movie. Is it just me, or is the guy they got to play James ridiculously gorge? Oh man, he's gorge. Team Cam Gigandet ftw! He needs to be in more movies. I'm voting...everything. Move over Brad.

Anyways, I'm doing better. Sleeping better and what not. I'm not asleep right now though. Lol. I'm about to. I'm listening to Adele. That girl is talented. I love it. Oh, and the other day was 11/11 and I didn't even realize it and I was pissed. Yeah yeah, thanks a whole lot memory.

Oh, and is it just me, or does anyone else agree with me that the Offspring should do a whole album of nothing but scooby doo inspired songs. I want them too.

I found Marylin Monroe popart today and it was gorge. I want it to go in my room. Though, I'm a huge James Dean fan. That man was gorgeous. Audrey Hepburn is amazing too. Why can't we go back to old Hollywood? And just so you know, if this were a video blog, I'd bust out singing Cute Is What We Aim For right about now. You know I would. I'm just that....crazy at eight in the morning. Deal with it.

Sugar's going goodnight.
<33

Yikes, computer problems a few days ago. But it's all good now. So, I just wanna say, I love a band called Morningwood. But unfortunately I do not own any. I can't find the CD anywhere around here and I'm not buying it off iTunes. Also, somebody get me the new Taylor Swift album. Holy mess you guys, amazing. AMAZING. I love Taylor Swift, she's a damn good vocalist. 

Oh, and my new room is banging. No paint yet, but soon. SOON. It looks dang good. And it's bigger than my other one. That's what she said.

I got them. So I probably won't be on for a while. Sorry guys.

And there's a lot that I'm still learning. And the new Jack's Mannequin single does have a lot of relevance in my life right now. I'm very proud to say that Andrew McMahon is one of my few heroes. I'm proud to say that he's influenced me a lot in the short time that I've been listening to his music. I truly do wish to one day meet him, meet the man behind the music and just give him a big ol' bear hug.

A few years ago Andrew was diagnosed with cancer. He had to go through extensive amounts of chemo as well as cancel a shit load of shows while he was in treatment. That was during the rise of Jack's Mannequin. There's a new band, The Myriad, you may have heard of them from MTV2's Dew Circuit Breakout or from the tour they did with Eisley last spring. Well, their drummer, Randy Miller, had to have a large tumor removed from his upper chest last week. The biopsy report on it came back a few days ago and it confirmed that his tumor was cancerous. Doctors are working to determine what kind of cancer it is. I strongly urge everyone to go to the Myriad's myspace and listen to their music, and if you like it, send your love to Randy and his family. He has a wifey and two babies.

Cancer can happen to anyone. Even rockstars. So please, do your part to support cancer research so a cure can be found.

And I won't be for Halloween. I'm gonna hang out around my aunt's neighborhood and probably go see my old eighth grade teacher. I don't know. It'll be fun though. Marissa might be coming, but that's if our parents say yes. And I hope they do because I haven't seen her in forever. Been like...four months. Yikes. I hate not being able to see friends in forever. It just sucks.

Things are going good. I've been sleeping well and writing a lot more. For some reason when I'm actually awake things actually make sense. And I like that feeling. I like the feeling of going to sleep before the moon does. And waking up after the sun. It's comforting. Hopefully it'll get better. Who knows?

My stomach aches right now. I'm on a diet, but that's not why. It's just because it's really cold and the weather has been up and down lately. Makes my stomach hurt and my voice really hoarse. It's kinda funny though.

Sugar's going goodnight.
<33

Just so you know, the new Taylor Swift single is so ridiculously amazing that it's not even funny. I strongly suggest you listen to it.

I'm really tired but I'm not sleepy. I feel like I've been awake for days, when the truth of the matter is that I've been getting some of the best sleep ever these past few nights. And that's a good thing? Right? I hope it is. I'm happy with it either way. I don't think my lack of sleep was healthy for me. I think my insomnia was result of stress over worry but there's no more worry so there's no more stress. Happy girl, typing this in.

Last week I was walking in my neighborhood and a truck drove by me. It stopped and the driver yelled out at me. When I looked up it was my old friend Greg. I was really happy because he's basically my big brother and I thought he moved away. We hadn't spoken in a year and he didn't have a cellphone the last time we saw each other. But we exchanged numbers then and there and have been texting ever since. I can't tell you how long we talked today, but I can tell you that we caught up a lot. So much as changed in one short year. I'm proud of him and everything he's accomplished. He's really gonna make something of himself.

Happiness is finding new reasons to love your old friends.
<33

Oh lawd, it's it's been forever since I posted in this thing. I've been sleeping better lately. A lot better. I think I got a lot of worry off my mind with my visit to the doctor. I think that's why I've been sleeping so well. Which is a good thing. Dude, I woke up at eight o'clock the other day instead of going to bed at that time. Do you know how good it was to not see the sunrise? I'm currently listening to my sleepy playlist, which includes Band of Horses and Eisley, as well as the Smiths. I want to go to sleep in about an hour or so.

It's fortyfive degrees here right now. Do you know how ridiculously happy that makes me? You have no idea. I love the winter like no other. It's just a time for lots of blankets, fire, hot coacoa, and really chill music. Also my birthday. I can't wait. And yes, I'm referring to fall as winter because here, when it gets cold, it IS the winter. Get used to it.

I want a pizza blanket. Anyone who can get me one will be my best friend. Seriously. Pizza blanket. Look for that shit and send me the link. I've been wanting one since last spring.

I've been working on the guitar parts to one song and it's coming together nicely. It's still a little tough because I'm still a beginner so my finger tips HURT like hell right now. But I love it. Yay.

Sugar's going goodnight.
<33

Got the call from my doctor. Nothing's wrong with me! Yay. I need to write! Gah. Though I did write like....five new songs yesterday? And I'm gonna work on the guitar parts to a couple today or tomorrow. Probably not today, but definitely tomorrow. My back is killing me. I slept on it all funny like. And you know, on a usual day I'd be going to bed at about this time. But no, I just woke up about.....two hours ago? I don't know. I slept a reallly long time last night. I passed out at about nine when I really slept for almost two hours starting at seven and then I got something to eat and went to bed. And I'm still tired. RAWR. Hopefully if I go lay back down I can fix my back.

Sugar's going goodnight.

<33

So lately I've been feeling pretty bad. I get really bad shakes and I've had this rash on my hands that has been driving me batty. I get grey patches of skin on me, randomly. I've been feeling dizzy and then the other day I got this intense ringing in my ears. All of these are symptoms of diabetes and I freaked. Mom took me to the doctor today to get my blood checked, I wasn't allowed to eat after ten last night so that they could get a better read on it, doctor's orders. The doctor came in, sat down with me, and talked about my symptoms and told me about some other things that it could be. I got checked for diabetes and I don't have it. Thank god. They took three giant tubes of blood out of me and they're going to check for a thyroid condition, which could be the reason why I can't lose weight. Also she thinks I may have ovarian cysts which is weird, but it's so much better than diabetes. I'm just glad it's nothing like....really serious.

In other news, I'm going to see Anarbor tonight and I'm stoked on it. I've been talking with them on myspace for about five months now? Something like that, I don't know and I'm excited to finally meet them. I made them bracelets.

Oh, and when I called my big sister (best friend Samantha) and told her that I didn't have diabetes, the girl freaked out in relief on me. It was mad ridic cute. Listening to her made me miss her more. It's been like six months. Bring my sister back to me!

I wrote this, recently. It's not what I've been working on but it just came out when I sat down to write. It's about true life. I know exactly what this is about. If you're curious about it feel free to send me a message, I'd rather not talk about it in a comment.



It's getting hard to let go of what was
Because I'm wrapping myself back up in you
Sometimes I wish I could forget
Where do we go from here?
I'm starting to hate the feeling I get
When I look into your eyes

Could you save us
From what we've become
Slipping in and out
Of our lives and feeling alive
That's not what I meant to do

Good lord, I haven't been on here in forever. Mostly because I've been getting some good sleep and because I haven't really been feeling the urge to write lately. Suckish, I know. I'm currently listening to the Academy Is... and loving every minute of it. I have to have lunch with my grandpa tomorrow, should be fun. I miss him. And everything has been hitting me like a ton of bricks lately. My best friend is doing drugs. I'm going to be seventeen soon. I have no idea how I'm going to achieve the dream of what I want to do with the rest of my life. And I always feel like I'm under a giant magnifying glass of scrutiny. Like everything I do is a bigger deal than it really is. It gets frustrating. And old. Time's moving by way too fast, I wish it would slow down and let me take in the moment.

I'm still working on that poem or song or whatever. I can't get it perfect and it's killing me. So I won't be posting it today. Probably not tomorrow. And definitely not on Monday.

<3

I have actually been getting some good sleep lately. And now I've just jinxed myself. You know how in an earlier post I'd talked about a friend, a best friend, who'd come to be a stranger in my eyes. Well, he's just become more of a stranger. You'd think you would know someone after four years of being their best friend, who they are, where their morals stand. A couple nights ago I was told that my now former best friend had been turning against everything he'd once stood for. Turning against his friends and his life as everyone else sees him. All to be the 'cool guy' but it's not very cool. He's smoking pot, drinking more than ever, and from what one of my best friends has told me, been getting into heavier and heavier drugs. Goddamn, high school is so cutthroat now. What's the deal with that? Turns out that he wasn't just slipping away from me, but from all of his former friends. Which sucks, because he's a good kid, and he's got a good head on his shoulders...or at least he did. I don't know, I'm just so over having to listen about him and his bullshit. It's apparent that we're not that close anymore, everyone could see it. I just hope he doesn't get hurt. I want him to be okay, but I can't be one to help him through it.

New Jack's Mannequin video, who else is as fucking stoked as I am?

Could I possibly not sleep anymore? This is really starting to get to me. They just said the word 'douching' on a commercial on my TV and I seriously just lost my shit over it. Fact, I am easily amused. Ever notice how almost every single prime-time television show is filled to the brim with sex. But not one condom commercial is shown? And you know what's fucking hilarious about that? AIDs is the number one growing epidemic amongst teenagers and elderly people. You know what's even funnier? Obama caving in on Bush's Wallstreet bailout plan. Our country is fucked young men and women, let's all move to Canada. You know...medicinal pot and universal insurance. Not to mention mandatory recycling. Canada, fuck yeah!

Yes, I do realize that at about six in the morning I really start to lose my mind and talk in crazies. You know you'd do it too.

I'm still working on that poem or song or whatever you wanna call it that I was working on when I posted yesterday. I truly think it's one of the best things I've ever written so I wanna take some time before I post any little piece of it. I want to know that I think it's perfect and that I think it's all that it can be.

I know I said I wouldn't talk about music but I have to plug two albums RIGHT NOW. That would be Anberlin's new album, New Surrender. I heard this album earlier in the day and it just blew my mind. The boys of Anberlin truly never cease to amaze me. I love them and I can truly say that their album Cities played a very huge role in my life in the year 2007. Also Jack's Mannequin's new record, The Glass Passenger, comes out the same day as New Surrender and I'm broke as shit but I'm going to try as hard as I can to get these albums in my hands. They're just...mind blowingly amazing.

FTSK on the November issue of AltPress #244. Not too happy about that. I love FTSK, and I love their music, but I'm kind of weary about what the interview will be like. I wish they would've put Anberlin on the cover, they deserve it way more. They've been around longer and they've never been on the cover as far as I know. Hopefully the December issue #245 will be fucking amazing.

It's really starting to suck how late I'm staying up and I'm really not liking it. I fell asleep listening to UnderOATH earlier, just a small catnap but I felt better afterward. My hair is getting longer, which means it's becoming more of a hassle. And I don't think I've ever been so pale. Seriously. I looked in the mirror earlier and I was pale. No pink spots on my cheek like there usually is, I was just white. I'm starting to think it's a side effect of the shots. Oh and speaking of side effects, I was looking at this sleep pill called Ambiem or something like that and one of the side effects for that is amnesia. Okay...I'd rather not sleep. I'm finding it harder and harder to write lately, which means a bit of writer's block is coming on soon. But let me tell ya, I wrote something last night that totally blew my freaking mind. It needs to be adjusted a bit and revised through, but dang. I think it's the best thing I've ever written.

Dear God, it's getting cold in here. And yeah, I've taken up that permanent shiver of shakes again, but it's due to the temperature. Nothing to do with my health. I got three vaccinations today, or rather Tuesday considering it's Wednesday morning as I write this. Brutal, I really hate getting shots. I have problems with syringes, but I am not afraid of tattoos. Anyways, the vaccines made me faint, and I damn near passed out. My shoulders still hurt and it's been well over twelve hours. Good news is, I got the new Alternative Press out of it. The one with UnderOATH on the cover, issue #243.2.  As soon as I got home the article about one of my favorite bands, my heroes, is what I read. And what I found within those pages is something I never would have thought I would've found. And it's kind of inspiring, yet kind of heartbreaking. I'm not going to go into details about this article because it's not my business to. I've met these dudes, and they're all really amazing. Sitting and talking with them and seeing their reactions and their responses to some things is a pretty positive experience. But in this article things were confessed and said, and it's not my place to discuss because they're really personal, and sure they put it out there for the world to see but that doesn't make it right to talk about and speculate about. But, there's a quote in there from lead vocalist Spencer Chamberlain that really caught my attention, mainly because it's in big bold letters, but also because it's genuine and sincere. And I don't know, but it had a really big impact on me.

"The most fear you could ever have is when you reach out to someone for help and they leave you in the shadows and turn their back on you." - Spencer Chamberlain.

Harsh but honest. And to tell you the truth I'm a diehard UnderOATH fan, anyone who knows me will tell you that. They're Only Chasing Safety really didn't leave my stereo system for about a year. I love that record to death, I'm sure I could find any little bit of lyric from that record and relate it to me somehow because that record really started me on this uphill spiral of loving music. That was the first record I bought in a real record store with my own money and I'm proud to say that. I'm proud to say that in three short years I've become this raging music nerd and it's all thanks to UnderOATH. I was stoked when Define the Great Line came out, and I bought it, and I listened to it, but it never really clicked with me. I didn't latch onto it like I did with Chasing Safety. And looking back now I think it's because I was younger. And I know I say that a lot, "oh I didn't like this because I was too young to understand" but truly I was. And lately Great Line is all I can listen to and I can now say that I'm understanding it a little better every time I listen to it. I get it, it clicks, and it means something to me. I just love this band to death and I hope I get to see them live many more times. Collectively as musicians and as seperate people who I've read about and talked with they're my heroes. Their accomplishments and how they've overcome things is aweinspiring.

I know I said I wouldn't talk about much music in my journal, but this band means something to me. Their music, more than any other's music, means something to me.

Sleep is becoming nothing more than a feeble attempt to grasp an understanding of my mind, and why it works the way it does. I get lost in the sound of nothing but pure silence while my mind is running a thousand miles a minute down a one way track. Never circles. Never turns. One way forward and keeps going. I'm constantly writing things down because I'll think of something and then two seconds later, I can't for the life of me remember what it was. Baby bags are starting to form under my eyes. I can tell. It's becoming unhealthy how much I rub my eyes. I always think I'm hearing a ticking sound and I can never find where it's coming from. I think it's all in my head. Something small and fragile to confuse me while I think. Is that why I forget so much? I'm always distracted. Sometimes I have a very short attention span and sometimes I can spend hours doing the same thing. Is it OCD? Or insanity? I'm starting to wonder. I need my glasses. My view isn't going very far. I'm nearsighted and farsighted and I have an astigmatism, YAY! I've known for a few years but I never wear my glasses. That's a habit I should stop.

I'm off of here with my pointless ramblings about my mind. I'm not sure I completely understand me.